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Friday, January 5th, 2007
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Monday, October 23rd, 2006
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It's been a while.
I'm a lot happier now... things are great. Remember Mr Dene? He's the cutest =) Nearly 4 months together...
Though things have been worrying me a lot; hopefully they will work out.
School has been stressing me out.. but it's nearly over.
Japan in January - it will be lots of fun!
Feelings of the past have dimmed but sometimes I'm still painfully aware of them. Dene is wonderful though.. so sweet.
All I can do is wait, hope, and see.
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Hello, live journal. Mr Angst.
Life is so dreadfully dull and dreary.
-_-
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Thursday, March 23rd, 2006
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I'm all better now!
Me and Kieran are still close.. very close ;)
School sucks!
and um... yes. My RAM works and I have WoW but haven't been playing much at all!
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It's like he's rejected me all over again. He doesn't even want to be close friends with me, coz he'll hurt me again.
Won't he just make up his fucking mind.
And I've been cold/dulled the pain for the last two days, and I didn't cry. And he wrecks it.
I thought I/we were getting somewhere. He says I'm reading into things too much. I know I am....
I feel like I can't talk to anyone about anything anymore. They all expect me to be over it by now. I don't want to keep bothering them. I know I have to move on, and yet I feel like I'm turning my back on my true feelings.
I suppose everyone has to hide things.
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I got my new NEW RAM. 2 x 512mb PC3200 DDR RAM~ it works, yay. But WoW still wont install.... im taking it back.
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Saturday, March 4th, 2006
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I lashed out at him. Really badly. Threatened to hurt myself too... I'm pathetic.
I don't know why it hurt so much tonight.
People talked. I didn't listen. Dene talked, and I listened. I feel like he knows what I feel because he went through it. I helped him, and now he's helping me.
I hope I haven't pushed him away for ever.
I still love you - but I will move on. If you ever love me again, we will see what happens.
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I worked 10 hrs today. My legs hurt. My assignments aren't done... I have Art, FTV, Music x 2, Bio, Maths B.... I let my pain get in the way of my grades. Tsk tsk tsk. Schoolwork before love, I think that's how I should do things now. Take a page out of Daniella's book, she seems to be perfectly happy.
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Wednesday, March 1st, 2006
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He came over today.
My vid card works fine, and has TVO. Sweet. My RAM wouldn't work at all - I'm going to return and exchange. Hopefully.
There was a lot of lust... we are too weak. And even though that lust drives me to touch him, I want a kiss more than any of that.
And here I was, having a great last few days... I hope things will be good again.
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Thursday, February 23rd, 2006
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O. M. G.
I had about 50 words written for my English article at home. In class, I did about 400. I put my USB flash drive in tonight.. and find only 50 words again? The other night, I must have accidentally written over my 400 words with my 50 word..
I AM SO FRIGGING PISSED. OMFG. DIE! >_<
Kieran and I are still really close right now. Today, when we hugged, his lips brushed against my cheek and my ear =\
I keep thinking about him. I don't feel upset on the outside, but I feel a dull ache. Some sort of sadness, that's being locked away. Maybe it's a good thing, but I feel it building, bubbling beneath the surface. I think about kissing him. Just trying to remember those lips, his tongue.. It's sad.
On another note, Ben's texting me heaps. I am afraid for my phone bill D:
Aaron said he liked my hugs coz they feel good. I like to make people feel good...
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Wednesday, February 15th, 2006
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I feel like shit.
I'm treating people like shit.
I thought I was over this shit.
Shit, I guess not.
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Friday, February 10th, 2006
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It was better today. I didn't get upset. I think I can start to be friends with him properly (without wanting to kill him or kiss him).
Jarhead tomorrow. Cool :D Have to dress pretty/sexy~
Still haven't got my period. Was meant to a week ago? It's pretty fucked up now...
Damn Biology teacher is a hardass.
Morgan is sleeping over tomorrow! Yay. Danni and Morgan are friends. Maybe we can have a slumber party thing.
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Thursday, February 9th, 2006
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I keep hurting him! I want to talk to him to 1) get answers, 2) remain in contact, and 3) just make him feel bad!! I don't want him to feel bad, but then again I want him to feel the pain... But how can I make him feel pain, my pain...? He says he got hurt by this whole thing too, but he has such a good mask that I can never see his pain. I have never been able to, ever. But that just makes me angry, as if this whole thing hasn't affected his life in the slightest. I want to talk to him, and I just end up ignoring him, or saying he hurt me, or accusing him of things....
I'm sorry.
I can't seem to get my head around this. Sometimes I'm fine and then suddenly I feel all alone. Like across the road today, Aaron and Morgan had already gone, Dene went somewhere, I saw Darcy coming across the road so I thought I'd have a chat with him but he started walking home. And then I was all alone. I sat down in my usual spot, and I just remembered how we used to sit there, his arms around me, my head resting against him...
It's horrible.
He tries to be friendly to me. Waves, gave my DVD back and started some small talk. I didn't look him in the eye, I just said he was hopeless (he thought the DVD was san but it was ni). I can't look him in the eye. i can't stand being that close to him and being totally distant from him at the same time. And then, I want to be close to him (physically) maybe to stir up his memories, but I doubt it would work, I would end up upsetting myself again...
Today Sara said he told her that we weren't together anymore (she asked what we were doing for Valentine's). I asked Sara was he said, and she said he said "it was a mutual decision to break up". FUCK NO! It wasn't fucking mutual at all. Why lie? Why lie.
I want him to feel pain. I don't want him to be happy. But really I know that would do me NO good at all. I wouldn't want him to get back with me after this - that's stupid. I just wish it never happened.
And Aaron broke up with Morgan too. Whilst he and Aaron were hanging out, Aaron broke up with her. That's evil. I told him that men were evil, and he said that they are but are more complex than us girls think. Morgan was so pissed about Aaron. I am so, so angry at them both right now. HOW COULD THEY!?
I suppose that is why I want to hurt him. Because what he did is causing me immense pain, and he KNEW that would happen. He wanted it to happen.
Why would you wish that upon anyone? That is why I want my revenge. I want to physically hurt him too. Because he just seems so happy, so indifferent, I want to make his blood run. But you know that's me and my whacked up imagination... I wouldn't ACTUALLY want that to happen. I wish we were still together.
My horoscope was horrifically accurate. I suppose you can take it in a number of ways, but yeah...:
Monday 6th Feb:
Involvements with idealistic persons will deliver an opportunity you had not previously considered. Your feelings tell you to express yourself freely and honestly, no matter what the cost. This is particularly true today as gendas for change and movement are announced. Also, home and family matters are increasingly likely to draw your attention. These will include issues of rankor status in extended family group
Tuesday, 7th fev:
Neccessary adjustments and changes are coupled with the desire to express oneself clearly. You are passing through a period during which your affections and feelings towards others are challenged. Intense personal involvement in relationships is possible but you need to ramp down your career aspirations.. Confrontations with others or collaborations of convenience may feature in this period of your life
I know I shouldn't trust all that shit but when you're upset you just want somewhere to turn...
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Tuesday, February 7th, 2006
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Well, he broke up with me. I am still in love with him... he wants to be friends. I want to, too. Desperately. But it won't be the same.. I thought we would be 'good/close friends'. But it seems like that’s not going to work.
It's a shame. I'm upset... Not that upset on the outside, but still prone to random tears. But like, why didn't my feelings 'fade away' as his have? Actually, what the hell did he mean? "I still love you, but I don't feel the same way." I really should have just taken the hint (Not hugging me back, not kissing me, not touching me or holding me... Not pashing me for a few weeks now, too?) and left it at that, and we could have grown apart perhaps more gently than this.
I will miss what we had so dearly. So much. I asked him if he would, and he said 'perhaps.' what kind of answer is that? Anyway...
I'll miss the hugs. I'll miss the kisses. I'll miss the way he smells. I'll miss that protective arm around me. I'll miss our cute little kisses and nuzzling my nose against his. I’ll miss his warmth. I’ll miss putting my hands through his hair. I’ll miss lying on his bed together. I’ll miss how safe and loved and cared for I felt. I’ll miss watching anime together. I’ll miss playing halo together. I’ll miss how openly we discussed everything. I’ll miss those walks from his old house, to my house. I’ll miss snuggling up to him, bare skinned, and sharing each other’s warmth in winter. I’ll miss the hot kisses on my neck, and the way he nibbled on my ear. I’ll miss the desire that we had for each other, the passion. I’ll miss making love together. I’ll miss the way he thought I was beautiful no matter how messy my hair was or how crap my clothes were. I’ll miss how snugly I fit next to him. I’ll miss how genuinely nice he was to me, such a gentleman. I’ll miss his playfulness. I’ll miss the intensity of our relationship. Most of all, I will miss him and everything he is.
Maybe it was for the best – it’s year 11. We have a lot more work, jobs to hold down, and not enough time for each other. We already went through a lot, experienced a lot, knew each other so deeply. Maybe, there wasn’t anything left for us. No progression. No moving forward. I was looking forward to a lot of things… his birthday, valentines, going to a theme park together, spending some more time playing some games, spending winter under his covers snuggled together for our two year anniversary, maybe even sleeping over, having sex ‘legally’ (haha, I actually bought condoms too o_o), and you know, further down the line, Year 12 formal. Ah, who will be my date now? He and I, if we aren’t good friends by then… Is it bad I think of things so ‘trivial’ as that? Ah..
Another thing – I can’t seem to mention his name. I only refer to him, as HIM.. I don’t know why! I painted a wall this afternoon, instead of going to futures (a really really stupid class). I had a nice chat with the ladies, who of course point me towards “look at all the things you can do now!” and “boys are stupid!” and “there are plenty of other guys out there, they’ll jump on you now that you’re single!”. And I reply with “boys ARE stupid, I don’t want anyone else, because they’re STUPID, and sure I can do other things now, but not the things that I used to be able to do!”
So so stupid. I think of stupid things. I have to watch anime by myself! Oh, boohoo! >_< When the group goes out to movies, you have to sit by yourself with your friends! Boo friggety hoo.
But don’t think I’m absolutely selfish. I wonder if he hurts too. Of course he does. As always, he doesn’t show it. He will probably ‘recover’ sooner than me. Seeing as though it was his decision. I am so absolutely CRUEL, however. I love him and hate him for how he hurt me, but I hurt him too so …. I can’t place all the blame on him. I’m talking in circles. My head is running in circles, too. I am so confused…
Oh, I drew some nice pictures. Me, and him. Kissing. In hope of what I wanted to happen. I drew it again, today. Death. The end. It’s still a nice picture if you get past the blood and the symbols…
I want so badly to have a man hug me tightly and tell me everything is ok and that I am loved. I know my friends love me, and I love them. They are so supportive. But this… aching, longing, heart-sickness…
Yeah, I’m emo now =| “Misery, rain, death and destruction wreak havoc in my black heart and empty soul..” that sounds about right, right? xD Talk about suicidal. I think I scared people. But it just seemed so nice, the thought of my life’s blood dripping, running out of me… It’s stupid, and I wouldn’t ever do it, but it seems like such a NICE thought.
I will be ok. I have told myself that countless times (trust me, COUNTLESS times). I. Will. Be. Ok.
I love you.
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Sunday, August 28th, 2005
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Kieran might be moving to Eden's Landing. I know, it's not that far. But it will still change things. Apparently, he'll take the bus to school, and some days he'll come to my place and get picked up. Well that's all well and good, except we don't get any time for US here. There's always my brother, and we're not allowed to go to my room to cuddle. I suppose I could go home with him, though that will take money, and they'll have to drop me off here since I have no faith whatsoever in my parent's chauffeuring me to his place.
And Saturdays will be back to the old days. Goldie, alone with her brother all Saturday. Going insane with boredom, ending up burning newspaper and smashing glasses at the back wall. It'll be like a Dene-and-Kate relationship, except with some visits on weekdays. Of course there's the whole "I'll see you at school" thing, but whatever.
But good for him, you know. Cable tv and internet, oh how lucky he is, or should I say, will be. Because that's all that really matters isnt it. And since we'll only ever be with each other with other people around, atleast that's the way it seems, our relationship will just come down to quickie blowjobs, Naruto and Bleach, and a Halo match. Or is that what it already is anyway? Maybe he'll find someone more interesting on his new street, new suburb. Someone hotter to lounge around the pool with. Someone that could kick his ass in Halo. Someone who will abide by this new song by Destiny's Child I heard today: Cater To You. Yes, master.
I sound really mean, don't I? I'm just depressed, that's all. But ever since then... our relationship hasn't been as strong, has it? I don't know anymore. Maybe I'm just a terribly insecure little girl and I should just forget about it. Him moving, oh it's no big deal at all really. It's the same thing. Maybe it will be better. Thicker walls? A better pool. A better view from his window. Aren't sagittarians supposed to be flexible? Adaptable? Able to deal with change well, and are optimistic. It looks like Goldie's plans for getting fit won't get anywhere. Or I'll learn to do things by myself. I really should. How will I ever grow up if I'm always dependant on someone?
Is crying so bad. I wonder. It shows emotion, happy or sad. And I seem to cry a lot. The other night I cried out of happiness, but he doesn't like to see that. Is it so wrong that I love you? Maybe I should stop.
I should really get over it. People have it worse than me. Like Drew, and Danielle. A loveless relationship, atleast on Danielle's behalf. Miss Ice Queen. Or Jon and Aimee. I dunno. I should listen to mum. "If you still like him, then you'll have to work hard to make it work."
I'm so fucking insecure. He loves me, right? What's there to worry about. Everything will be fine. My horoscope said "New love interest" on the 24th. That's weird.
My cookies are crumbling. Stupid cookies~
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Monday, August 15th, 2005
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| Time: | 9:48 pm. |
| Mood: |  happy. | | Music: | Muse - Falling Away With You. |
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Heh, Drew just said something really sweet about Danielle.
"its funny, i cant stop thinking about her, its like a game i've wanted for ages and once i get it i have to play it every chance i get or i go crazy"
I think that puts love into a guy's perspective. Something I'll remember. I think it was very wise :P
Anyway. Today/yesterday was our one year anniversary. We went to the hyperdome. I got my mobile phone number (yay!) and we looked around and stuff. At lunch (we had kebabs. Tried a chicken one for the first time, they're good.) I gave him the present I got him. Lindor and sour worms, hehe. And a nice card, with a really nice poem. Very true to my heart, and he asked me if what it said was how I truly felt. Then he laughed about me writing "愛" and "from Goldie/ねこちゃ" heheh. He said he felt really bad that he didn't get me a card, or anything. We bought 1 kilo worth of lollies from Bi-lo. >_> Kieran ate most of them... Instead of seeing Sin City we ended up seeing Wedding Crashers, which was a hilarious movie. So many funny things. In the cinemas we met up with Dwayne and Stacy and Lee, who sat next to us. The cinema we were in was a really big one, but you couldn't lift up the arm rests :( I felt so seperated! And Stacy and Dwayne are like, 'Hey, you guys actually watch movies and not make out, eh." I wanted to make out! >_> Just a bit! Oh well. Got a lift home...
Today we went to the EXITE camp. The buses we have are really fancy! They're all like, nice cushiony seats, seatbelts, headrests, air con, tv, radio, curtains, toilet..! Did robotics. Not that interesting, especially not the accounting for every little lego piece. They fed us junk food all day. At IBM Brisbane lab, they have a level full of Japanese people doing helpdesk stuff for people in Japan. Funny. IBM Brisbane sucks compared to IBM Gold Coast. They are foozeball-less and chocolate-less (Tivoli has chocolate everywhere). Oh well.
We got back at like, 5 or something. Went to Kieran's house. It was dark at that point. We made love (After not having done so for 3+ weeks. Good on his behalf, but yeah). It was hot (temperature wise, stupid blanket and clothes). It was nice. It's funny though, because afterwards he took off his shirt and I was more horny then than before. I think I'm a weird girl. I like to admire. Like, admire him naked. Take in everything. The sight, the smell, the taste, the touch of him... I want to dedicate it to memory so I can remember him when he's not here. Whenever I think of him (which is a lot), I always think that he's such a great person. Silly, a lot of the time, but caring, and loving, and sweet, and sexy. Just take off his shirt. So goddamn sexy. Drives me insane. Anyway >_> Kieran's not a guy who can just lye down for like, most of the day and just talk and do stuff. I am the kind of girl that could. I have a need for contact and intimacy like that, and I'm really emotional... I just need him to be there, and to hold me, and to love me and I can love him back. What I feel/need is too confusing to put into words. I want him to be more passionate, I guess. Kiss me romantically like he has before... oh well. I'm probably asking for too much. I can never be fully happy or satisfied, can I?
Anyway, what was the point of this journal entry again? Yeah I don't remember. I'll write my dream.
There was this one dream, that was so great. It was weird, but I was very very happy with everything that was happening. The world was being taken back by nature. I was in some city, that was being overgrown with tropical plants, flooded in some parts creating rivers. The ocean was sparkling blue and the sky was fuschia. Magical glowing flowers sprung everywhere, and there was a bird/dragon? thing that flew by which I jumped on and flew around. It was so coool, and I didn't feel like I was going to fall (coz of my fear of heights), I felt at peace, and free. And I looked down and a brachiosaurus had its neck tied in a knot, and was being attacked/headbutted? by a stegosaurus. Quite a sight! Also some other parts of the dream are fuzzy... A big city, with people shocked and in chaos. A farm being taken over by forest, and a train line. A class was there, and trying to "save the technology". They wanted to merge technology with nature, somehow. Anyway, I plan to draw the scene of the dinosaurs and me flying on the thingo. Kinda like, a flying ostrich. Weirdness~
Still don't have my period yet. It's bloody annoying, it's not regular anymore -_- It'll probably show up in the next few days as a nasty surprise.
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Thursday, July 28th, 2005
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All is right with the world.
After two gruelling days, we're together again. It seems stupid though, I guess. Why we broke up in the first place, it was silly, and that's how I think other people will percieve it.
Oh well. Whatever. It doesn't matter. I love him.
On a different note, had that interest/percentages maths test today. Missed two questions, easy ones... I hope I get over 70% though =| Multicultural day tomorrow! Should be fun. :)
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And so, my paranoid thoughts come true. I hope to wake tomorrow to find out it was just a very long, depressing, vivid dream.
Walking to Kieran's house today.. On the phone he told me he would meet me half way.. He usually only does this when it is dark, and it was barely 5pm. I.. knew.. something wasn't right. In my mind, I was thinking that maybe our distance was leading up to this, where he'd break up with me. But, you know, I have a lot of crazy thoughts, and I put that thought along with the others. We hugged, he told me he loved me.. And that we would be better as friends, that he didn't know how he felt anymore, he still loved me but not LOVE loved... Stuff like that. He doesn't want to lose me, because I'm 'such a great person'. He ‘can’t imagine a life without me’ .. yet.. yet..
He says he will always be there for me. To hold me when I need comfort and when I’m upset. I don’t think I can go to him, to be comforted, about this though. I don’t even remember our last kiss together. Since I’ve had the flu all week, we haven’t kissed much at all. I asked him if he had stopped because of this reason as well, he says he doesn’t know. The last time I can remember, a proper kiss, is before we made love on Saturday night. What did that even mean?
He said he’s been thinking about it for a few days. And I say good on him for being honest, and telling me now, and not letting me live in a delusion. It’s funny. The last few nights I cried myself to sleep thinking of what would happen if we broke up. Thinking that I wanted to, once more, look into those bright blue eyes and tell him I loved him, with all my heart. That he would look into my eyes and tell me he loved me. That he would always. But, no more…
Things will be so different now. Where will I sit at lunch? I sat with the guys before Kieran and I dated, but since we started dating they somehow lost the room on the seats for us. Will I sit next to Kieran? Him being my best friend still… Will I sit next to the boys? No, because I don’t fit it. They would sneer at me. And I can’t be as happy and sarcastic and witty in my current state. I could sit with Daniella. But It’s pretty boring down there. Amy would think I am stealing away her best friend, too. I could sit with Aimee. But I don’t know where she sits, since she is fighting with Sinead. Plus it’s boring there too, but Aimee would care. She’s nice like that.
Who will I go to the semi-formal with? I still want to go with him. Now when I see him, I have to stop giving him hugs. Stop standing so close to him. Stop resting my head on his shoulder. Stop holding his hand. Stop looking into those deep blue eyes with the little yellow ring around the pupil, and thinking about how I like to be pressed up against him. Being held by him, and kissed and loved and all those things! His soft, sweet lips. Sexy shoulders. Cute, curly brown hair. That one ringlet that always hands down on his face on his right side. How he kissed me, so romantically, so full of passion and love and emotion. How I rest my head in his lap and he’d stroke my hair and whisper into my ear…
I know I’m young. “You’re only 14! There’s plenty of other people!” But that doesn’t make it hurt any less. I know we were probably too young for such a serious relationship. That, maybe he wanted the chance to see other people and experience things. I know I wanted to too, but I thought that would come at some later point if/when we broke up. But I loved him. No, I LOVE him. There’s no denying that. I don’t know when this feeling will die down. So that I can remain just friends with him. I don’t want to lose him. I don’t want to hate him for not being with me anymore.
He’s a good person. And a great friend to have. And I can’t ever lose that. Through the fucked up beginning of our relationship and until now.. That, nearly whole, year… It wasn’t a waste. Not a waste of time, of emotions, of money or anything. I’ll always have those memories. It’s a let down. I had things planned. Like what I would get him for our 1 year anniversary. What I’d like to say to him and do to him. I was thinking I’d try to get thinner too, to be sexier for him. Ha… It’s funny. 11-and-a-half months. Would have been easier to say “1 year”. Atleast I don’t have to get him anything now (not that I had much of an idea…). I was looking forward to it though.
On our anniversary, I am going to write a card. It will hurt, but it needs to be done, in my mind anyway (how sadistic it is.. ) Here goes:
“On What Would Have Been Our One Year Anniversary. I loved you, and your… (insert stuff about him here.) I’ll aways have the memories. Will still be great friends, yadda yadda yadda…” That kind of thing. Yeah, it’s mean. But, also nice in a way. You’d feel guilty receiving that kind of thing but I’m still doing it.
When we were talking, he said he was doing the hardest, most painful thing he’s ever had to do in his life. He said, at least when his ex for 1 year Dominique and him broke up, he was dumped at they weren’t really close so it was easy. He went on to say that I shouldn’t really think of it as us breaking up, but that we would be friends, but on a higher level, that loved each other, but weren’t ‘together’ and that didn’t date other people. And I’m like, I don’t believe in breaks so that’s breaking up.
Heh, we said that even if we broke up before Grade 12 (which didn’t seem at all likely at the time) after the formal we’d still hook up. I now see we were being totally stupid. That plan has gone right out the window. It’s not right.
I feel alone. I’ve been needy the last few weeks. We weren’t as close. I just wanted to lye together, held by him. I got that, for a little, on Saturday. Not as much as I’d like, but I’d want to be together for ever. Now who will I hug? Who will hug me? I can’t go around hugging him, seeking comfort when he is the bringer of pain in the first place. “Bringer of pain” sounds mean. He is in pain too. Confusion, and guilt for hurting me. I haven’t really thought about HIM. I wonder how he feels. How he will feel not having me there.
We shared so much together. Though our beginning was fairly complicated.. ok well, complicated situation but easy just to say “I really like you!”. We kissed about 3 days later. And pashed that day too, and the day after that. I wasn’t his first kiss/pash but he was mine. And then my first everything after that. We shared that level of intimacy, that strong, close, deep bond that (I thought) nothing could break. I suppose we still have it but can’t show that anymore. Ahh I’m getting angry/sadistic now. My thought just then: “Haha, what will he do for sex now?”. That was just mean. And it puts the both of us down. Ahh..
Well I’ve totally forgotten my train of thought now, I was talking to Daniella. She didn’t believe me when I told her on msn, and she called me. She cried, she said it was unbelievable, unexpected, because we both seemed fine barely three hours ago. Kieran says he may have worked out a reason why he did this. SO that he can protect things between us, so later on we can start again where we left off. He ‘hates to admit it’, but we’re too young for such a serious relationship, and we should wait to be in a strong relationship again. He’s right, but that doesn’t mean he should have done it!
But whatever. What’s done is done. I talked to Daniella, and Kate, and I feel a lot better now. Maybe I can start feeling whole, complete, again. I will try to use my emotion through my art and music (since I really need to get my music done!). I can’t let this stop me from living.
Music is weird, eh? As this was all happening, the break up, I felt kind of weird like I was absorbing it but it couldn’t be real. And “Grief and Sorrow” was playing in my head. When I was crying, it was “How Do I Live Without You”. Said everything I was feeling at the time.
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How do I get through one night without you
If I had to live without you
What kind of life would that be
Oh I, I need you in my arms
Need you to hold
You're my world, my heart, my soul
If you ever leave
Baby you would take away everything good in my life
And tell me now
How do I live without you
I want to know
How do I breathe without you
If you ever go
How do I ever, ever survive
How do I
How do I
Oh, how do I live
Without you, there'd be no sun in my sky
There would be no love in my life
There'd be no world left for me
And I, oh Baby, I don't know what I would do
I'd be lost if I lost you
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Oh goddamn. This is too confusing. He wants me back. He says after a talk with his mum, and just thinking, he realised he couldn’t live without me. He would always love me.
Oh, why did we have to go through all this! He says he only just realised it. That he must have forgotten what it was like to be with me. I could never forget. Never, ever. It is too strong a feeling to forget, or to get out of your mind for even a second.
Goodbye journal, for atlteast a little. I hope I can clear things up soon.
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| Subject: | Update |
| Time: | 12:39 am. |
| Mood: |  crappy. | | Music: | Toshira Masuda - Ultimate Secrets. |
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I haven't updated in a loooooong time.
Right now, I'm having a lot of trouble with physics work (Adding vectors). It's just really confusing me, and flying right over my head. I know I should be able to understand... But I was sick when we were taught the stuff, and I didn't go to school. And even though my friends explained it to me, and I copied out notes, it's confusing. For one, My class and Ms Wilton's class use differently set out formulae for it. And yeah... I just don't get it!
I also have my art assignment due. It was due on Wednesday, but I wasn't there so I'm -hoping- that I got an extension. Well, not really hoping but guessing, because Ms Van Eyk is nice, and so is ms De Jong, and they know I am sick. Ms De Jong was our relief teacher on Thursday. Ms Armstrong was at school, but I don't know what she was doing.
Today I copied out pages of Music notes. I have to have my composition done in a month, and my film thingy done in a few weeks. I want to get a clip from FMA, but I don't know how since a) It has to be a film, and that's an anime... and b) Fraps only takes 30 sec of movie on RealPlayer.. c) I could download an .avi of what I want but yeah. Composing is too hard ;_; I guess I can do it, but I haven't really tried hard enough? Or am not going in the right direction...?
For some reason I feel really unmotivated towards school work. And I feel really slack and just that I can't be bothered even trying to understand things. Like, I never like to take days off school because of anything, and I was forced to have a week off coz I was sick. And now I'm really behind. My WPD group doing all that stuff without me... x_x I have no idea how that even turned out. I'll see tomorrow I guess ... *shudder*
Lately I've been feeling really distant from Kieran. We didn't spend much time together last week because of netball, and this week coz of my being sick. I guess I've been in a weird mood too. Like on Friday, everyone took the day off coz of sports day. I was expecting that we'd be together then, but he was reading Harry Potter. And I know I shouldn't have felt offended or rejected or any o fthe things I felt that day, because I know he was eager to read it and he needed time to himself. I guess I just really wanted someone to be with on friday. I felt really really lonely, no one else was in the house. I just lay down and cried for most of the morning. That's really, really pathetic. I felt as though he didn't care to spend anytime with me, that he'd be better off doing other things with other people or whatever. Like on Thursday, how I didn't understand physics, and even though Daniella tried to explain it a little... I felt rejected and that no one cared that I didn't know what the hell was going on. Maybe I'm too needy, and I expect too much from other people, and I'm babied. I dunno.
On Saturday we saw each other. We watched anime and I checked out Doom 3 and we watched Mr and Mrs Smith (crappy quality cam though.). It was good to just be together, under nice warm sheets. Maybe it's just my imagination, but we seem easier to get frustrated with each other . Like just explaining physics, he seemed to get mad with me, and then he thought I was mad with him because I wasn't responding. I don't know, but theres something wrong. I keep getting weird thoughts about us breaking up before our anniversary... I don't want that to happen! I always seem to act coldly to him, or get upset with him or something...
I just haven't really been myself lately. I'm usually happy and positive, optimistic, hard working, enthusiastic, wanting to learn, paint, play music or whatever.. I've been putting off everything. I feel like I'll lose my ability to draw, CG, play piano, or even do like, maths and everything... I don't know whats wrong with me! Whenever I go to do one of those things, I either think I should be doing something more useful, or end up getting distracted by something or other, or just doing it really half-assedly, knowing I can do better but not actually doing better.
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Friday, January 28th, 2005
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| Time: | 10:56 pm. |
| Mood: | happy. | | Music: | The Tennis is on TV >_>. |
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Ahhh.. me sleepy. But hey..
Tonight, Dene, Kate, Kieran and I went and saw Elektra. Kieran payed for me [because we're flat broke from bills and new computer] and Dene payed for Kate [because she left her money in the car xD]. The movie was decent, and I want to steal/cosplay that outfit of hers.. my favourite colour! I need a flat stomach to pull that off though. We had this joke about him being Daredevil and I be Elektra... ehehehe. hot stuff. lol. just kidding. but seriously... Anyways, had Maccas after that, and walked around, went to the Hyperbowl to go in the arcade with DDR [played Love shine light, HVAM light, .59 standard]. Walked around and went to wait to get picked up...
Kate and Dene are so cute. Kieran kept telling them to kiss... after he stopped, kate actually told me that they did kiss while he was egging them on (though he didn't realise they kissed o_O).. lol. Just stood outside talking, having fun and stuff.. After Kieran and I had a passionate kiss, we look up to see Dene and Kate pashing (I asked Dene if there was any tongue involved after kate left xD) :) I'm happy for em. on another note... god kieran is a messy eater. lol. Popcorn.. sesame seeds..chips? xD I would have eaten it out of his crotch.. LOL but no.
Well it's dwayne's birthday tomorrow. And also, school week 2. And my period should be coming soon.. yipee -_- . Swim carnival on friday which I can't go to (for various reasons!)...
My classes this year:
WPD: Mr Ryan. Haven't met him, but all the same people in our class, besides a few additions [kieran!]
Maths: Mr Kahn. He talks for AGES... Daniella in my class
Science: Miss Armstrong. She seems alright.. aimee, telley, daniella.
English: Ms Ziolkowski [shillkofski]. Nice teacher. I sit with big willy o_o
Geography: Mr Klaassen. Asswipe. Funny accent. Sat with Catilin siacci o_O!! weird..
Media: Ms Owbridge. Shes alright.. but, I might change to Music. Old media class.
Art: Ms Van Eyk. Same class last year. She rocks.
HPE: Ms Henderson. Looks alright, dunno though. Girl class.
so yeah... I miss having classes with dene.. and i only have one with kieran.. and one with telley.. but a few with daniella.. the fates are pushing our friendship? Anyway.. sleep sleep.. after i get changed and brush teeth.. gah!
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Saturday, January 22nd, 2005
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I feel very drained at the moment. This morning I got about 2-3 hours sleep, max. Dene was sick most of the morning, don't know how many times he threw up... Luckilly they kissed during the night/early morning. Cute. Kieran and I pry too much.
Kieran came over, we watched Naruto, went to his house after a 'discussion' with mum about me sleeping over a boy's house with my bf. Apparently dad wasn't too happy.
After coming home from Kieran's (good news, comp comes Mondayish) mum was all up me for always seeing him "every day" (more like every second day. Or third. -_-). I say, what else am I supposed to do. Sitting at home 5+ days a week from 11-5 (though I'm not allowed to go out before 11) is absolutely boring. If I can invite a friend over (bf...) that can TOLERATE (or whatever you wanna call it) my little brother, i will invite them. Mother says i only find sitting at home doing nothing boring now because I have a bf! That makes total sense. Then starts preaching to me how when she was my age she only saw her boyfriends once a week. She wasn't allowed to sleep over boy's houses, and how she had many, many boyfriends and never slept with any of them until she met my dad. My pot smoking-growing-and possibly selling father, who had smoked it back then and done much worse too. Great example she sets for me.
Again with the "don't get pregnant" talk. Or, in her words, "don't do anything stupid". Of course, me going to a friend's movie night with my boyfriend, would result in me doing something stupid. Not my usual stupid, as in not getting a corny joke until 3 mins later, but stuff like sleeping around. She likes to accuse me of things like that. And of course.. if I did do something stupid and got pregnant, what does she worry about? Worried that she will be embarassed infront of her friends for having a pregnant daughter! After telling them that her daughter "isn't like that" though she tells me that I am. Though sometimes, she says how a baby will stuff up my life, I'll never be able to go to school or uni or get a job and I'll be an 18 year old house wife or something. She says she doesn't want me to be like Melissa - our nextdoor neighbour who moved out at age 15/16, came back at age 17/18 with a 2 month old baby. Mum doesn't want me to be like that and she should KNOW that I wouldnt. She goes on to say how my boyfriend wouldn't even stay with me or help me get money or anything.
I think she likes to belittle the meaning of our relationship. "He says he loves you now, but when he's bored he'll dump you and then, THEN you will feel it." Let me feel it. When the time comes. If it does. though if we broke up it would be about something less trivial than mere boredom. She doesn't believe that our feelings are really true.. I think that they are. Love is something you can't even imagine until you've experienced it. There are lots of tears, but for the first time I cried of happines and joy. The other tears about not being able to see each other. The mere though of losing each other... I used to think that relationships at such a young age were useless. But they make you who you are, and how you act in other relationships. Because say, when I'm 25 or something, i'll still remember him.. we might even still be together. The chances are slim, but there really isn't any reason for it not to happen at the moment..
He's made me a better person. I have my self esteem now. Self confidence. I believe in the things that I do, and if i want to achieve something all i need to do is try and work hard at it. He encourages me to believe in myself. Hes shown me love.
On the other side of the story though... Mum really is just worried about me getting pregnant. She doesn't trust me and for good reason I suppose. Whatever.. me too tired from no sleep and crying and bad eating habits.
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On Another completely unrelated note, Im very proud of my newest artwork. Though the idea is not original (especially among my art) i like it. The line art looks good, though as it goes down I think you can actually see that I start to slack.. Lines go lumpy o_o But I hope when I colour this I get her hair right.. like Mornir/Dragon in Obernewtyn.. Beautiful golden mane! Prettiness.. I can see it.
Animes currently watching: Naruto (up to episode 49 now I think.) and Onegai Teacher. Lol ok I DLed one ep of it, watched ep 2 at kierans.. he's up to ep 8.. It's an ok anime, I will DL the rest but the speeds are shitty at the mo.
School starts on Tuesday. Nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!
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Thursday, January 20th, 2005
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| Time: | 7:33 pm. |
| Mood: | bored. | | Music: | Asian Kung-Fu Generation - Haruka Kanata. |
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Advanced Big 45 Personality Test Results | Gregariousness | ||||||||||||||| | 50% | | Sociability | |||||||||||||||||||||||| | 78% | | Assertiveness | |||||||||||||||||| | 54% | | Poise | |||||||||||||||||| | 58% | | Leadership | ||||||||||||||| | 50% | | Provocativeness | ||||||||||||||||||||| | 62% | | Self-Disclosure | ||||||||||||||||||||| | 62% | | Talkativeness | ||||||||||||||| | 46% | | Group Attachment | ||||||||||||||||||||| | 62% | | Extroversion | |||||||||||||||||| | 58% | | Understanding | |||||||||||||||||||||||| | 78% | | Warmth | ||||||||||||||||||||| | 70% | | Morality | |||||||||||||||||||||||| | 78% | | Pleasantness | |||||||||||||||||||||||| | 78% | | Empathy | ||||||||||||||||||||| | 70% | | Cooperation | ||||||||||||||||||||| | 66% | | Sympathy | |||||||||||||||||||||||| | 78% | | Tenderness | |||||||||||||||||||||||| | 78% | | Nurturance | |||||||||||||||||||||||| | 78% | | Friendliness | |||||||||||||||||||||||| | 74% | | Conscientiousness | ||||||||||||||| | 50% | | Efficiency | ||||||||||||||| | 50% | | Dutifulness | ||||||||||||||||||||| | 66% | | Purposefulness | ||||||||||||||| | 42% | | Organization | ||||||||||||||||||||| | 62% | | Cautiousness | |||||||||||| | 34% | | Rationality | ||||||||||||||| | 46% | | Perfectionism | |||||||||||||||||| | 58% | | Planning | ||||||||||||||| | 42% | | Orderliness | ||||||||||||||| | 50% | | Stability | |||||||||||| | 38% | | Happiness | |||||||||||||||||| | 54% | | Calmness | ||||||||||||||||||||| | 62% | | Moderation | ||||||||||||||| | 50% | | Toughness | |||||||||||||||||| | 54% | | Impulse Control | ||||||||||||||| | 50% | | Imperturbability | ||||||||| | 26% | | Cool-headedness | ||||||||||||||||||||| | 66% | | Tranquility | |||||||||||| | 38% | | Emotional Stability | ||||||||||||||| | 48% | | Intellect | |||||||||||||||||||||||| | 74% | | Ingenuity | |||||||||||||||||| | 58% | | Reflection | |||||||||||||||||||||||||||| | 86% | | Competence | |||||||||||||||||||||||| | 78% | | Quickness | |||||||||||||||||||||||| | 78% | | Introspection | ||||||||||||||||||||| | 70% | | Creativity | ||||||||||||||||||||| | 62% | | Imagination | |||||||||||||||||||||||||||| | 86% | | Depth | |||||||||||||||||| | 58% | | Openmindedness | |||||||||||||||||||||||| | 72% | | Take Free Advanced Big 45 Personality Testpersonality tests by similarminds.com
| Factor |
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low score |
high score |
| Gregariousness |
50% |
quiet, reclusive |
engaging, socially bold |
| Sociability |
78% |
withdrawn, hidden |
warm, open, inviting |
| Assertiveness |
54% |
timid, gunshy |
controlling, aggressive |
| Poise |
58% |
uneasy around others |
socially comfortable |
| Leadership |
50% |
stays in background |
prefers to lead |
| Provocativeness |
62% |
modest, plays it safe |
bold, uninhibited, cocky |
| Self-Disclosure |
62% |
private, contained |
very open and revealing |
| Talkativeness |
46% |
quiet, stealthy, invisible |
motor mouth, loud |
| Group Attachment |
62% |
loves solitude |
prefers to be with others |
| Understanding |
78% |
insensitive, schizoid |
respectful, sympathetic |
| Warmth |
70% |
disinterested in others |
supportive, helpful |
| Morality |
78% |
break/ignore the rules |
play by the rules |
| Pleasantness |
78% |
aloof or disagreeable |
gets along with others |
| Empathy |
70% |
out of tune w/ others |
in tune with others |
| Cooperation |
66% |
competitive, warlike |
agreeable, peaceful |
| Sympathy |
78% |
socially inconsiderate |
socially conscious |
| Tenderness |
78% |
cold hearted, selfish |
warm hearted, selfless |
| Nurturance |
78% |
self pleasing, me first |
people pleasing, me last |
| Conscientiousness |
50% |
reckless, unscheduled |
careful, planner |
| Efficiency |
50% |
unreliable, lazy |
finisher, follows through |
| Dutifulness |
66% |
leisurely, derelict |
strict, rule abiding |
| Purposefulness |
42% |
inattentive, undisciplined |
prepared, focused |
| Organization |
62% |
relaxed, oblivious |
detail oriented, anal |
| Cautiousness |
34% |
impulsive, spendthrift |
restrained, cautious |
| Rationality |
46% |
irrational, random |
direct, logical |
| Perfectionism |
58% |
careless, error prone |
detail obsessed |
| Planning |
42% |
disorganized, random |
scheduled, clean |
| Stability |
38% |
easily frustrated |
calm, cool, unphased |
| Happiness |
54% |
unhappy, dissatisfied |
self content, positive |
| Calmness |
62% |
touchy, volatile |
even tempered, tolerant |
| Moderation |
50% |
needs instant gratification |
easily delays gratification |
| Toughness |
54% |
hypersensitive, moody |
thick skinned |
| Impulse Control |
50% |
lacks self control |
maintains composure |
| Imperturbability |
26% |
highly emotional |
emotionally contained |
| Cool-headedness |
66% |
demanding, controlling |
accommodating |
| Tranquility |
38% |
emotionally volatile |
emotionally neutral |
| Intellect |
74% |
instinctive, non-analytical |
intellectual, analytical |
| Ingenuity |
58% |
lacks new ideas |
innovative, novel |
| Reflection |
86% |
unreflective, coarse |
art and beauty lover |
| Competence |
78% |
slow to understand/think |
intellectual, brainy |
| Quickness |
78% |
intellectually dependent |
intellectually independent |
| Introspection |
70% |
not self reflective |
self searching |
| Creativity |
62% |
dull headed |
synthesizer, iconoclast |
| Imagination |
86% |
practical, realistic |
dreamer, unrealistic |
| Depth |
58% |
lacks curiosity |
mental explorer |
Take Free Advanced Big 45 Personality Testpersonality tests by similarminds.com
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thalionrin's journal
confused.
drained.